The Mommy Resume

While changing Jack's diaper today, I started to think about all of the new skills I've developed as a mommy.  And I'm not just talking about the ability to apply diaper cream, sing Old McDonald, and change the box of wipes while simultaneously solving Fermat's Last Theorem.  It's funny, because for many of the stay-at-home moms I know, one of our biggest fears is that our resumes will become stale, that by the time we re-enter the work place, we will have become obsolete.  But in reality, we are adding new and valuable skills into our repertoire every day.  So I have decided to update my resume a bit, taking into account all of my new accomplishments and capabilities.  I call it "The Mommy Resume."

Mara Rae
Mommy at Large

Job History:
Dec. 2009-present
Mother of Jack

Daily Responsibilities Pertaining to Toddler:
Diaper changing
Toddler tooth-brushing
Preparation of suitably delicious and nutritious toddler fodder
Feeding and follow-up cleaning of toddler
Dressing of toddler
Extensive knowledge of nursery rhymes, cartoon anthems, and the ability to ad lib as needed (with a particular focus on replacing any name or animal with the word "Jack")
Playing with toddler
Reading to toddler (to include "voices" where applicable)
Bathing of toddler (and occasional toddler "grooming," including nail-trimming, hair combing, nose and ear cleaning, and the application of lotion and/or sunscreen)

Hypnotizing toddler into sleep-like trance
Keeping toddler from harming himself or others

Daily Responsibilities Pertaining to Keeping the Household From Turning into an Episode of Hoarders:
Dishes
Laundry
Picking up of toys
More dishes
Grocery shopping
Emptying the diaper pail without the aid of a hazmat suit
More laundry

Additional Skills:
Maintaining sanity while toddler repeats single word in monotone ad nauseum (akin to the seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Mine?  Mine?  Mine?")
Translation skills (and fluency in Jackanese)
Highly developed sense of empathy (Extends to stuffed animals, particularly those with whiskers)

References:
SpongeBob Square Pants (animated sponge)
"Unny" (stuffed rabbit)
"Guys" (cartoon characters on John's pajama pants)


Okay, so a few of those things wouldn't necessarily come in handy at work, but I really do believe that motherhood is the hardest job of all time, and it can only improve an employee's ability to multi-task, focus under pressure, and prioritize.  Being a mom requires loyalty, dedication, stamina, and drive.  I don't know a single employer who doesn't value those traits in a prospective employee, and I think it's about time that people start to realize that "taking time off of work" to be a mom is anything but.

Seriously, why haven't we unionized?  Power to the Mommies!