Thursday, January 15, 2015

To Fall in Love With Your Husband, Do This?

The other day, one of my writing friends shared a New York Times article called "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This," about an experiment done twenty years ago that helped two couples fall in love, and later, the author of the article. Basically, two strangers were asked to spend 90 minutes answering a series of increasingly personal questions, and then stare into each other's eyes for 4 minutes. My friend thought the questions could help with character development, but as soon as I read the article, I started to wonder: could these questions help my marriage?

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with my marriage! But I think all couples, especially those with young children, can use an opportunity to reconnect every now and then. Many of the questions are irrelevant to people in a relationship (we've been together for fourteen years and have fortunately figured out a thing or two during that time). But some of the questions are very thought-provoking, the kinds of questions I hadn't ever really asked myself, let alone John. (I know you're curious, so I've included the questions at the end of this post.) I decided to conduct our own experiment, to see if we could learn something new about each other, and maybe even strengthen our connection during the process. It couldn't hurt to try, right?

Almost immediately, I felt like we'd accomplished something. We turned off the television and spent an hour talking instead of zoning out or checking Facebook. While some of John's answers were predictable, others took me completely by surprise. Some of the questions were easy to answer, while others required a lot of thought. John spoke in depth about some of his experiences in the Marine Corps, which to me often feels like another lifetime but is clearly still very much on John's mind. I can see how discussing things like your most treasured memory or whose death in your family would be the most disturbing would tell you rather quickly how you feel about a person, certainly more than talking about work or hobbies. Cutting to the chase on a first date may be uncomfortable, but it could definitely have its merits.

After we finished the questions and got ready for bed, John and I tried to spend 4 minutes gazing into each other's eyes. I think the idea was to do it silently, but we talked the entire time. Whoops. Either way, I definitely felt closer to John afterward. I won't say it led to any major revelations, but it was a good reminder of why I fell in love with John in the first place. And frankly, between kids, jobs, busted cars, bike accidents, and impending moves, who couldn't use a little reminder every now and then?

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?


25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..."

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.


Lyra Selene said...

My husband and I did nearly the exact same thing! Like you said, not every answer was new news, but I loved that the questions forced us to connect in a way that doesn't always happen day to day.

Great post!

Leila Rose said...

Nice post Mara.
I really like this idea. Going to try this with Aaron. That is, when he gets home from his conference this weekend. Yikes. Hope none of us die suddenly before then!